In a surprise move today former Home Secretary David Blunkett was dramatically on a charge of bestiality. It  stems from an incident on 8 June when he sustained broken ribs while allegedly walking his guide dog in fields near his former constituency home in Sheffield.

 It was revealed to Magistrates that the owner of the fields, farmer Kimberly Quinn had witnessed the incident. In a written statement to the court she stated that at approx 11pm on 8 June she saw what she thought was a beggar walking through her field just outside Sheffield. She was unaware at the time that he was in fact a blind beggar.

Anyway it transpires that he was guided straight towards a herd of cattle settled in the middle of the field. Neither the dog nor Blunkett seemed concerned about the now noisy and skittish behaviour of the animals. Initially famer Quinn thought the dog was a sheep dog because of the way the dog herded one of the animals toward the top left corner of the field. This is when things got nasty and although it was dark Quinn could clearly see the “beggar” approach the animal from the rear and engage in a lewd act with the animal’s posterior. The dog even seemed to be encouraging this inappropriate behaviour by jumping up and down in an agitated manner.

After several minutes during which Farmer Quinn crept closer to the trio she could hear strange human noises coming from the beggar. Although the sounds only lasted a few seconds I recognised them as someone engaging in something sexual stated Quinn. Before I could utter a word however the animal gave a loud roar and reared around on the beggar and tossing him into the air like a rag doll. By this time I had got close up and shone my light in the beggars face, he was groaning and holding his stomach with one hand and trying to pull up his trousers with the other. When I asked what he thought he was doing he cried out that the animal had reversed into him and he had not seen the herd because it was so dark. I pointed out that wearing sunglasses at night would make it difficult to see he replied no no thats why I have the guide dog, I am blind. I asked why his trousers were around his ankles to which he said “Do you know who I am ?”  I said no I don’t care but do you know  you have just raped one of my bullocks ? He answered that he was David Blunkett the former Home Secretary. I called the police on my mobile and asked them to attend. Shortly afterwards 2 squad cars and four police officers arrived at the scene. On questioning Blunkett he was then cautioned by the officers on suspicion of committing a sexual act against an animal. An ambulance was also called to bring the prisoner to hospital for medical attention. DNA samples were taken from both the bullock and Blunkett. The bullock is currently receiving counselling from the rape crisis centre. A witness impact statement was read out in court on behalf of the animal. 

The DNA tests have proved inconclusive as the animal was suffering from the shits at the time. But social services have taken the guide dog into protective custody and are seeking a foster home as a permanent solution. Blunkett was due for sentencing later today but during recess for lunch he walked into a lamppost (no guide dog) and sustained serious head injuries. He is now in a coma and contemplating a return to frontline politics. Magistrates have handed down a suspended sentence and 120 hours community service. He will also have to sign the sex offenders register as the bullock was only 3 years old.